bRit

“I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?”
-Clerks

Anxiety cocktail: tightened chest, rapid heart beat, increased blood pressure, the inability to breath properly, with a splash of tears. Mix on high, serve on silver platter, and repeat.

I have not experienced an Anxiety attack in aprox. eight years. I pride myself in over coming those which bothered me high school, I pride myself in over coming things that statistically i should of became an addict over. And I’m especially grateful everyday for living an accident that technically speaking should of left me dead. Through all of these things I’ve gone through I’m still here. I <i>thought</i> I over came it, woke up the next day with my head high. And repeat. However with this new onset of anxiety, it appears I must come to terms that things <i>are not</i> as under control as I previously thought. In fact things are… worse. Much worse.

Once upon a time I was a mess. And I wore it on my sleeve the second I got home from school and took my coat off. I shed all the tears in private, I mourned in private, and I suffered- again, in private. After I wake up the next day when in getting ready for school and going in public I was “fine.” I was “okay” and that’s what I wanted people to think. Because in short- It was non of their business.

I had some bad times, I got help, and over time I learned how to deal. I learned how to deal with things without using alcohol, i learned how with out other harmful means. For awhile my only vice was smoking, and in January 09 I quit. What was once a High Schooler in her room afraid grew into a strong person with a strong head who wouldn’t let it bring me down.

However now with this on set of anxiety coming out of left field… I’m scared. I’m scared, nervous, curious, and mos importantly, i don’t really know what to do. Of course there’s a lot running through my head- “does this mean I’m not okay?” “Does this mean things were never under control?”  Or “Were things fine and now just managed to break?” I… don’t know and that’s what scares me. What worries me is if I’ve been doing everything I can do deal and come to terms with things, and this is still happening to me…. what else is left to do about it? I don’t know if just coping skills and techniques can get me through this. I haven’t had an attack in about 2 or 3 days, so hopefully i can keep myself maintained for longer.

What worries me most is that I know what my triggers are. In short- my household. Unfortunately this is <i>not</i> something I can currently change, as I can’t exactly just up and move out with a bank account of less than $100.00. Which makes things more and more difficult. How do I get better if I can’t remove the stress-ors? And I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know.