bRit

Driving home last night and reflecting on myself made me realize I need a change. Not just a lipstick fix makeover type thing, I need an internal (and eventual external) renovation. I need to re-do my floor plans, look into the plumbing, consider the landscaping, and all before my foundations metaphorically collapse. WHEW! I’ve already managed to change my environment- temporally. Let me tell you- DAMN does it feel good! No sitting at home literally feeling my heart pound harder AND HARDER the closer the clock gets to 5:30. God even typing 5:30 induces a physical reaction. *rolls eyes* That’s horrible.

However ever since I’ve been on my “mini vacation” I feel better everyday! No having to worry about my anxiety attacks- nothing to cause it! No worrying about Lynda arguing and taking her stress out on me verbally. No panic’s about whether or not “there’s dishes to be DONE!” or whether or not I have laundry in the basement. I CAN FOCUS ON POSITIVE THINGS! What’s that you ask? Like my: health, my relationship, xmas, possible future longish term vacations, more importantly- surgery. And with surgery being just around the corner what better time than the present to jump start a more strict healthy life?

A couple days ago I got a craving for pop? Not just any, but Code Red. A pop I haven’t had in YEARS. Needless to say I’m pretty sure I consumed more pop those 2 days than I had in the last 2 years COMBINED. OH YEAH! My kitchen had the plastic bottles to prove it. Which reminds me- today is recycle time. Anyway, point being no more carbonated beverages. That’s easy Step #1. Now for the rest…

The last few weeks I have been plagued with SHITTY iced coffee’s EVERY TIME I go to Tim Horton’s. They’re the home of the most delicious and cost worthy butter carmel iced coffee on the damn planet. THis plague can only be explained as a sign from the caffeine gods I need a break. I have maxed out my cards, reached every quota for my next few life times, beat the boss, etc etc. So with that being said: NO MORE! Yep, that’s right folks. Coffee addicted Britney is quitting coffee. Q-U-I-T-T-I-N-G! It’s time for me to save $, start attempting to save my health while I’m “young” and stop relying on caffeine for energy. It will be the hardest thing ever right now for me to quit, but it simply cannot be healthy how much I am able to consume and how little it effects me, if at all. Therefore I have no other choice but to admit I conquered the mountain and climb back down. Even if the view is spectacular.

Step #3: No more garbage! I know grandpa loves his fast food, but that’s all on him to consume. I don’t like it any way, so this part isn’t hard at all actually. This also means I am no longer partaking in Pizza club. member I shall always be, but participator i shall not. No more “meetings” with me partaking until at least next year… or longer. I’ve reached my pizza quota, we’re divorcing.

No more being lazy, it’s time I reinforced my exercise regimen from last summer. At least 30 min daily, which usually turns into 60 min, so even better. I need to work out more and get in shape. I’m sick of looking at myself in the mirror, or actually technically speaking not at all.

And the hardest step…. changing my sleep schedule. I can’t promise this will change, in fact I’ll admit now it probably won’t at all. But hey, it’s a worth trying right?

“I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?”
-Clerks

Anxiety cocktail: tightened chest, rapid heart beat, increased blood pressure, the inability to breath properly, with a splash of tears. Mix on high, serve on silver platter, and repeat.

I have not experienced an Anxiety attack in aprox. eight years. I pride myself in over coming those which bothered me high school, I pride myself in over coming things that statistically i should of became an addict over. And I’m especially grateful everyday for living an accident that technically speaking should of left me dead. Through all of these things I’ve gone through I’m still here. I <i>thought</i> I over came it, woke up the next day with my head high. And repeat. However with this new onset of anxiety, it appears I must come to terms that things <i>are not</i> as under control as I previously thought. In fact things are… worse. Much worse.

Once upon a time I was a mess. And I wore it on my sleeve the second I got home from school and took my coat off. I shed all the tears in private, I mourned in private, and I suffered- again, in private. After I wake up the next day when in getting ready for school and going in public I was “fine.” I was “okay” and that’s what I wanted people to think. Because in short- It was non of their business.

I had some bad times, I got help, and over time I learned how to deal. I learned how to deal with things without using alcohol, i learned how with out other harmful means. For awhile my only vice was smoking, and in January 09 I quit. What was once a High Schooler in her room afraid grew into a strong person with a strong head who wouldn’t let it bring me down.

However now with this on set of anxiety coming out of left field… I’m scared. I’m scared, nervous, curious, and mos importantly, i don’t really know what to do. Of course there’s a lot running through my head- “does this mean I’m not okay?” “Does this mean things were never under control?”  Or “Were things fine and now just managed to break?” I… don’t know and that’s what scares me. What worries me is if I’ve been doing everything I can do deal and come to terms with things, and this is still happening to me…. what else is left to do about it? I don’t know if just coping skills and techniques can get me through this. I haven’t had an attack in about 2 or 3 days, so hopefully i can keep myself maintained for longer.

What worries me most is that I know what my triggers are. In short- my household. Unfortunately this is <i>not</i> something I can currently change, as I can’t exactly just up and move out with a bank account of less than $100.00. Which makes things more and more difficult. How do I get better if I can’t remove the stress-ors? And I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know.